Many years ago, I knew a man: youthful, optimistic, and seen as a success in the eyes of his family and friends. He married his college sweetheart at 24, and was the father of a beautiful girl by 26. He and his wife were unprepared to have a child, but decided to embrace the challenge together, as any married couple should. But, little did the young man know, big trouble had been brewing in his marriage from day one.
Even before his wife became pregnant, the young man had begun feeling like something was amiss. Only a year in to his marriage, and his wife’s passion for sex had diminished dramatically. The issue was masked during pregnancy, and the early weeks and months of the newborn. Additionally, new challenges arose, as his wife began to resent him for trying to sleep through the night, while she got up to feed the baby. Fights began to break out regularly.
The young man couldn’t understand why his wife wanted him to get up with her to “help feed the baby.” He wasn’t producing any milk. And, he was the sole source of income for his young family. He had a new career and spent his day at the office trying to get ahead in order to increase his opportunities and income. His wife was a stay-at-home mom, whose job, he saw, as taking care of the baby.
As the contention increased, the intimacy continued to decrease, until the man began finding more and more excuses to not be home. Spending time with his friends became more fulfilling than being with his wife and child. Playing video games and watching porn was an escape from the loveless, sexless marriage. The women he loved and married no longer seemed to exist. He realized nothing he did seemed to make her happy. Buying a house. Buying a $40,000 car. Buying a pure bred Labrador puppy. All insisted on by his wife, these things seemed to have no effect on her desire to be intimate with this man who excelled at providing.
One day, everything finally came to a head. In the kitchen, the young man and wife fought a familiar battle. As his anger rose, the young man said something that completely surprised his wife. And yet, the instant the words left his mouth, he knew they were infinitely true: “You are replaceable.”
His epiphany had come in the brief moment before the words left his mouth, and now they were out, his confidence in the statement solidified. But, his wife couldn’t believe her ears. She indignantly argued she was unique and irreplaceable. After all, she loved him.
The young man argued she didn’t love him, considering she showed no appreciation for his efforts in providing for the family, and constantly denied him sex. He knew his sexual market value, and came the realization he could easily find a woman who not only appreciated his provider status, but would embrace intimacy in ways his current wife never had. He also said this out loud to reinforce the seriousness of his earlier statement.
One year later, his wife had divorced him, drained all of his financial resources, revoked all custody of his daughter, and left him living in the empty house he had bought for her.
It’s a familiar story, replicated time and again in modern marriages. We observe how women have turned to treating men as a tool for their own selfish gain. The acquisition of kids, financial support, Louis Vuitton bags, and narcissistic fulfillment has perverted and abused the “provider” nature of men. Supported by the government—and popular messaging in the media saying women don’t really need men for anything—women have altered their view of man’s role in a relationship. Too often, men are treated as a simple means-to-an-end; appeasing the biological clock that tends to keep ticking in spite of the lies fed to a woman’s brain.
I chose to share this autobiographical excerpt because it illustrates how even a strong, intelligent, successful man can find himself over-extended in a relationship. There were issues before the marriage, but I ignored them because I was in love and certain she was the one for me.
I had made the classic blunder of pedestalizing a single woman. I believed she was everything I needed, and the only one who could provide the love I was looking for. I was more beta than alpha at the time, and it cost me dearly. I experienced a difficult, but necessary lesson that led to immense change in my life.
Women are not unique. As a sex, they all share the same fundamental biological impulses, physical traits, electro-chemical reactions, and synaptic firings. As in all things, there is variation among the group. But it’s like looking at colors on a spectrum. They all fall within a defined set of values because they are all just different wavelengths of the same thing: light. Some women shine brighter than others, because they have an exceptional collection of attributes that men are looking for. But, that doesn’t make them unique.
Approximately 255 babies are born every minute, about which half are female. There are about 3.5 billion women in the world right now. I assure you there’s nothing unique about a single one of them. Yes, there are special women. Women who, in spite of the pressure to be strong and independent (i.e. prepare for life without men) develop in to exceptional examples of the species. I recommend spending your time with these particular women, when you can find one. After careful evaluation and consideration, let her get close to you. Let her experience your alpha status and trust she can be a good woman to you.
But always remember, there are plenty more women out there just as wonderful as the one in front of you. In parallel, you should never allow yourself to be placed in a position of supplication. At the first sign of weakness, even the most wonderful of women will immediately begin losing interest in you. (I say “weakness” with the understanding that this requires some explanation, but that will be saved for another day, another article.)
Ignoring the fundamental principle that all women are replaceable jeopardizes your chances for finding meaningful, healthy relationships. Place a woman above yourself, or above any position of trust she has definitively earned, and you are setting yourself up for a world of pain. A fully mature woman has more in common with a teenager then she does a mature man. Treat her accordingly.
Now, this is the part you men probably weren’t expecting. The reality is, men are also replaceable. The trick is to make a woman feel like you are irreplaceable. Fundamentally, any woman worth your time simply wants to trust in your strength, leadership, and provisioning prowess. If she believes you are the best person to meet those basic needs, then you become irreplaceable in her mind. This is more complicated than I let on, but we’ll tackle that another time.
Just remember, men. Work to improve yourself at all times, establish an alpha presence in your relationships, and know that any woman can replaced at any time.